Sooooo, this is me starting a blog. Purpose? Well... I'm in some trouble. I'm in some physical AND mental trouble ~ and I'm gonna d*mn well dig myself out - and vent and cry and whine, and *document (through this here blog)! Or, I'm gonna face life as a miserable 'living to die' kind of person. I don't want that. I don't want any part of that. Yet, I struggle, sinking like quicksand, deeper and deeper.
It's like a disease, see. An illness. ... addiction. ADDICTION.
I'm killing myself with food.
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I know my body very well. I know various nutritional lifestyles very well. I know addiction very well. An addiction can be with anything from 'drugs', alcohol, emotions, unhealthy relationships... and even food. Yeah. Food. I'm battling the latter of those. I've struggled with my body and its relationship with food since I was 12 years old - or at least those are my first memories of it. The sickness has ranged from anorexic behaviors, to 'hopes' of bulimic 'success', to obsession after obsession in 'diet' form... to complete chaotic obsession and ADDICTION. It's definitely to the point that I can't go a day without it controlling me in some way. Always on my mind.
When I started to realize I had an ADDICTION, it's because I was connecting my behaviors to that of other types of addicts behaviors. I was hiding things, lying, trying to cover it up. I knew I was doing something I didn't want to be doing, and not even happy AS I was doing it - not enjoying it - yet I couldn't stop myself. I'd go out of my way to get it - sacrificing for it. Miserable... just looking for the next fix. Laying in bed at night thinking about how I'd get it or where I'd get it the next day. Hating it. Just hating it. It was sucking the life out of me. I'm trying to type in pastence right now, because I'd like to start living like it is a part of my PAST and not my present.
I KNOW that I have SO much to live for... and in millions of ways, this is killing me AND stealing the life out of my living years. That's not fair. It's not fair to me or my loved ones, OR the world that I'm supposed to share myself with. I've got to finish it.
I KNOW what it's like to feel well. I know what it's like to have energy, to sleep properly, to run and jump and play... I know what that feels like. I want it back. I NEED it back. Faster!!! It's baffled me that I haven't been able to pull myself out... ... ... ... ... but at the same time, when I realized that this is an addiction problem, I had to be gentle with myself and remind myself that it's pretty difficult to expect a drug addict to just come clean on their own - without help - on their own will power. It's possible, but unlikely. I've been very hard on myself... how is that helpful? It's one thing to make the conscious choice to do wrong in your life - it's a completely different thing to be consumed by an enemy and controlled by it, overpowered... ... ... even if you were wrong in the beginning - there comes a point where simply changing your mind may not FIX IT or save you... ... ...
I'm going to do my best to organize and fight for what I want -
I also know that I need to utilize all tools available to me, to help me along this journey.
I Love Joy.
I'm going to reclaim her.
This is my LoveJoy Journey.
...and because I need to use those words often, to feel them, it's only fitting to have to repeat them over and over... .. .......what better way than to 're-name' myself within this blog.
Sincerely Mine (and Yours too, if You'll have me),
LoveJoy
P.S. The video link I'm putting in today... ... ... if this man can do what he's done... you can too, and so can I ~ we can. Don't tell yourself you can't and do NOT let anyone else tell you it will never be done. You've just got to WANT IT BAD ENOUGH to FIND a way.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448
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