Mind over matter.... ... ...

Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.

This morning I'm feeling REAL rough.  My digestive system has been going through a lot, based on all the food terror I've been putting it through.  I've been drained, tired, wanting to constantly sleep.  I've definitely been feeling, the past few days, like my body has been clogged with food.  I'm really sensitive to my digestive process - I can feel when things are moving through my system and when they're just stuck there.  I was real sick a couple weeks ago.  I lost about 15 lbs.  I wasted no time in gaining 8 of that back, of course.  That's what the scale mentioned this morning.

This morning I was sitting in my car, waiting in the parking lot for it to be time for my kids to enter their school.  I was talking with my father on the phone.  All of the sudden, I got this hot, burning pain - all through my abdominal area ----all around.  I needed to find a restroom REALLY bad.  I was either going to vomit... or... well, #2.  Eeeeeee.  Sorry for the disturbing content, but heck, we're talking digestion.  I felt so sick.  I felt like I may not make it to my house (15 minutes away) before something awful happened.  I just wanted to cry.  I've never done this  before, but I left my children 5 minutes before they were actually allowed inside the building.  I felt like a wretched mother.  All that was going through my mind was - "Help me, God.  Please just let me make it home ---- and why did I do this to myself?  I did this.  I did this."  It was hurting SO bad.  Traffic seemed to be moving slower and slower.  All the worst scenarios crossed my mind.  "What if I got in a wreck right now?  That would be the most embarrassing moment of my life... or a terrible moment to die.  A gross, yucky, moment." ... "What if I don't make it to my house on time - how is it going to be to get myself from my car to my bathroom - and not see anyone along the walk from the parking lot."  ....I was envisioning all the worst, most embarrassing, yucky, yucky things.  I was ashamed of myself in this moment, because I was not only in pain, but I KNEW that I'd inflicted it on myself.     ........I did make it.  Even after spending quite some time in the restroom, I feel like my system is still coated in this burning, toxic, sludge.  You'd think this would teach me something, right?  But ya know what thoughts have crossed my mind even NOW?  "I just want to go through the drive-thru and grab those tacos."  It's sick.  I want this plague to leave me.

 Yesterday I did have one success.  I barely escaped the drive-thru trap... but I DID.  If I hadn't been late already to pick the kids up from school, I may have had those few minutes to roll through the drive-thru.  So glad I was late.

My friend made me a wonderful fresh juice immediately before it was time to pick the kids up.  I was SO delighted.  It made me SO happy.  It was SO fresh and SO clean and BEAUTIFUL - and as I enjoyed it, I knew I was giving myself health and energy.  I crave to be juicing right now.  I feel as though it's the only way I can kick these habits and fight back against this addiction with any hope.  Within 15 minutes of finishing my juice (took me a while to drink it, and it definitely had me full), I was STILL fighting the urge to hit that drive-thru ------even though I had SUCH healthy thoughts about juicing. 

I know what it feels like to have organized, healthy thought.  I've spent most of my life LIVING that way.  Efficiency.  Organization in home, work and all my time.  In these past 3 years, I've gained 35 lbs. ...this is all while struggling to keep it off.  If I just hadn't cared at ALL, who knows, it would probably have been 75 lbs. by now.  It's been exhausting.  Physically and emotionally.  I feel that this period of my life, that gave me SO much 'freedom', sent me into a spiral of out-of-control emotional behavior.  I've lost control of my mind, and actions.  A person who previously found herself very successful in setting and meeting goals....... can't even get through the small goals of a single day now.  I feel like I set good, healthy choice goals, each morning.... and by night, I've destroyed every last shred of those thoughts.

Today, I want to have at least one 'small' success.  If I can keep myself from that drive-thru today, I will feel like I've conquered SOMETHING.  Honestly though, even as I say that, I'm thinking about what I'd want to be ordering - which is pulling me toward it.

I'm trying to devise a plan that WORKS.  I have some ideas.  But then again, I'm feeling a little pessimistic, because I have ideas pretty much every day, and can never follow through and FIX THIS.

I want to commit to a 7 day juice fast.
I think that if I can cut out the option of food -----KNOW that my nutrition WILL come from liquid form... or ELSE... well... I think I can wrap my mind around it.  Food is probably the hardest addiction, because you actually NEED IT every day to LIVE.  You have to eat.  Your temptations are everywhere and it's socially acceptable to gorge yourself anymore.  It's socially acceptable to 'celebrate' with food.  It's socially acceptable to saturate your body in chemicals and 'death food' with every meal---because it's just 'normal' society in 2012.  The obesity epidemic in this country is sickening.  Fat, sick & dying... the land of the free?  America?  Really?  No we aren't.  We're slaves.  So many people are slaves to the addictions placed in their laps - just like what I'm personally talking about here.  I'm not the only one.  The food presented to us by the corporate cash hoarders - it's purposely made to form addiction.  I KNOW this, yet I find myself weak and powerless against it.  I need to find that Superwoman in me.  I HAVE TO... or die miserable and having not lived.

My children, wonderful boyfriend, and I - were all at a comic book store the other day.  My daughter held up a WONDER WOMAN comic and pointed at the strong, powerful, beautiful woman leaping across the cover.  She said, "Hey, it's You!"  ... we giggled.  Truth be told, I kept thinking about it all day.  I feel like Wonder Woman, trapped inside a 35 lb. layer of impenetrable, jiggly, wiggly, steal.  D*mnit.

 From the outside, people may look at me and think I look pretty 'good'.  But, only YOU know your true health.  Only YOU can feel what's happening in your body.  Mine is like a war zone.  It's not fair to her (my body), and it's certainly not fair to her either (my mind)... and it's breaking my spirit every single day.  Every stomach ache.  Every frustrated moment of not being able to fit into my clothes.  Every time I try to take my children to the pool and feel my body jiggling as I walk... every time my thighs rub together and hurt as I walk.  I may not be super BIG - but for ME, this isn't me... and it's not comfortable.  Why haven't I been able to fix this?  This addiction has NO PLACE in my heart... I'm completely conscious that it's taking all of my energy.  I don't mean to be focusing on all the negativity and heavy thoughts......... that's not me, that's not the woman I am... .... ... but I'm sure struggling with every moment right now, and completely confused at why I can't bring myself to WANT IT ENOUGH... if I wanted it ENOUGH, I could just make the choice to FIX THIS, right?  Why haven't I?  I've become weak.  It's just not acceptable anymore. 

Mind over matter.  Strengthen your mind......its a muscle too.

SOoooooooo, after all that ramble. What I'd like to initiate as my battle plan, is THIS:

---Get to the farmers market and buy enough fresh produce (for as little money as I can, because I am BROKEeeeeeee).  I need to make a list with enough fruit/veg to make myself 3 juice batches a day.  I'll pick 3 recipes and have the same each day, for the next 7 days. I HAVE to stick with this.  I KNOW it's not going to be easy.  I KNOW I'll go through a lot of detox symptoms.  But, I seriously doubt it could feel worse than the torture I'm already putting my body through on a daily basis anyway.  I've fasted for 8 days before - but a much more difficult one.  It was all the same drink for 8 days.  It was awful.  No variety, and I became sick even at the thought of that drink.  This time, I can choose my flavors.  I think I'll actually start out with produce for just 3 days.... so I can decide if I'd like to change it up with different flavors after that.  If I have any urge to stray from my juice plan... I just can't.  I'm scared to let an alternative in, because I think I might run wild with it.  My mind keeps telling me to allow a small, light, raw dinner on the the 4th day... ... ... ... maybe I should.  I'm nervous though.  So nervous.  But MAYBE having that to 'look forward to, and plan', will help me to get in the habit of PLANNING again.  Maybe that would be beneficial?  OR maybe it's a terrible idea.  I'd like to keep juicing until I reset my digestion and food habits.  Maybe after the 7 day fast, I can do 3 days each week?  Then level off to 1 day each week?  I'd love to keep it regular though.  Or maybe I'll juice for breakfast and lunch each day?  Or maybe just breakfast?    ....it can get pricey to buy all of the produce needed.  I have NO money right now.  That's kind of what's delaying me.............. but... that's the lamest excuse.  I somehow always find a way to have those dollars for the drive-thru... so... what's my excuse?

 I showed this video to my daughter once.  She said that EVERYONE in the world should be REQUIRED to watch it.  She's a smart one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SjbHJ28iec

  -LoveJoy